By Selina Chapman, Psychologist
As a mother, a partner, and a psychologist, I strive for mediocrity. I am aware this sounds strange, and I hope you keep reading to see what I mean.
I find in a world of ambition and social media influencers we are inundated with images about making the extraordinary an everyday thing. There is an illusion of order among chaos with beautifully edited shorts of idyllic life, parenting and partnerships parading through our social media feeds. Even with the insight that we are watching an edited post, knowing that there is a team working behind the scenes we cannot help but get caught up with the ambitions of a beautifully organised pantry, carefully choreographed family dances or the manipulated spontaneity of the carefree lifestyle influencer who seemingly has their stuff together.
That is why I strive for mediocrity. When real life is around me; the kids might be sick or don’t want to go to school, and there are household chores piling up, the mental load of being the hub of a family can easily get overwhelming.
Real life is every day, usual, typical, and ordinary. And I love it. I strive for it and when I find myself being overwhelmed, I aim for simplicity, and reducing some of the chaos if I can.
By focusing on my needs, and the needs of my family, I can more effectively prioritise my life. As a mother, I can easily slip into the habit of putting my needs last or not at all. I work at it and remind myself that it is not selfish to take the time to fill my cup. The world can wait. The kids can wait. Life can wait. For a while at least. And in that time, even two minutes can refresh, recharge, and nourish.
By letting go of unrealistic expectations, we can gain a lot more. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is a fantastic way of living life that I wholly recommend. In a nutshell, ACT is about accepting I am who I am (warts and all) and making a commitment to change in areas that are not working for ourselves.
Acceptance is about acknowledgement, rather than liking. We simply are who we are, no more and no less, in a non–judgemental way.
Expectations can be more idealistic and less realistic, such as wanting more from a significant other than what they are capable of. It could be having high expectations for us that are in the realm of extraordinary, such as the idea of ‘perfection’ in our homes, appearance, or relationships.
Yes, letting go is easier said than done. It’s because we have an emotional attachment with our expectations. We hold on so tightly at times, that letting go can seem an insurmountable task. Through ACT, we can give ourselves breathing space, room for reflection and mindfulness.
Here is a fun activity to do that can help. A piece of A4 size paper or cushion works well. Hold this up against your nose and with eyes straight ahead, think about what you can see. Most of our vision will be obscured by what is directly in front of us. Emotionally and mentally, we can feel overwhelmed, maybe trapped, sometimes anxious. We may say to ourselves, “I AM anxious”, or “I AM overwhelmed”.
Now take a deep breath through your nose and exhale through your mouth, whilst moving the cushion/paper at reading level. Still looking straight ahead, now what can you see? How big is the paper/cushion now? It has stayed the same size, yet our perception and perspective has changed. We can see a smaller obstacle amidst resources, options, and support. We can say to ourselves, “I am FEELING anxious” or “I am FEELING overwhelmed”.
Take another deep breath through your nose and exhale through your mouth, whilst moving the cushion/paper as far as you can holding on with your fingertips. How big is it now? Our perspective has changed again. We can say to ourselves, “I am NOTICING that I am feeling anxious/overwhelmed/etc”. How are your arms feeling at this point? A bit tired? Do you think you can walk around and live life holding onto this ‘emotional baggage’ easily?
Breathing in and exhaling, let go of what you are holding. Maybe it has been easier to let go at this stage. In this exercise, we have created objectivity and a literal space in which to acknowledge and validate our thoughts and feelings. Only after we have done this, can letting go be an easier and more successful option.
I hope you give it a try.
Considered a gold standard expert in Australia on ACT, Dr Russ Harris has excellent and free resources available on www.actmindfully.com.au and on YouTube.
Selina Chapman is a psychologist at The Heart and Mind Collective in Wyoming, who works with all ages seeking empowerment and support. Selina says, “Seeking support for mental health can be about maintaining wellness as well as having extra help as and when we need it”.