By Sarah Tolmie
Reader Question:
“My middle child is five years old and he is having massive tantrums and explosive moments that are becoming very disruptive and even scary. I am struggling to deal with them, and my husband gets angry with him. I don’t want him to feel that his feelings get him into trouble and will be punished. We’re running out of ideas.”
Dearly Beloved
I remember this time in my children’s lives. My sons shocked me with the range and bigness of their feelings. I soon discovered children are just ‘little people having the same big feels as big people’, just with less capacity and resources and control.
In fact, what I know and can share from my experience as a marriage therapist, is sometimes adults remain ‘childlike’ in their capacity to regulate and communicate their ‘big feelings’. It is important to bring skill and good modelling early in the emotional realm so kids can grow into their skills as good emotional regulators and communicators, because one of the greatest and most necessary skills in relationships is empathy.
Being able to give safe honouring and expression to feelings is a learned skill and one that you can influence significantly as a parent. Kids learn from watching how you experience feelings. Getting angry because someone else is having a big feeling gives an indication that your husband has his own difficulties providing an empathetic buffering between your son’s feeling experience and his own uncomfortable reaction.
As parents, you guys first need to build up your empathetic muscle – hold and brace your own emotional reaction – so you give first care and triage to your boy. Another way to describe this is managing your own flood.
Next, what I teach big and little people is that feelings are our friends and guides. Follow the feeling. Attend to it first like you would a bleeding wound. If your child came to you hurt, you’d triage and fix the immediate presentation of injury before going into a discussion and lecture. You wouldn’t get angry at the wound.
Before you even know why or what is going on, trust his feeling has legitimacy and reason. Validate it. Help to make it safe for that first ‘explosion’ to happen and burn off, and then help to allow continued expression safely and without judgement. When a feeling is believed, respected and validated, it is more likely to accept soothing and calm. Especially when your son learns to trust that you will help him find a way to process and learn the message feelings can reveal.
Here are some top tips (for both little kids and big kids):
Feelings are OK, even the big ones: Validate your child’s emotions instead of trying to fix them. Let them know their feelings are normal and acceptable, even negative ones like anger or sadness
Connection is key: Prioritize genuine connection and understanding over rules and control. Be present with your child, listen actively, and offer empathy
Stop the battle of wills: Power struggles don’t work. Shift the focus from control to collaboration and problem solving. Offer choices and involve your child in finding solutions
Embrace the tantrum: Tantrums are a normal part of emotional development. Stay calm, set boundaries, and offer comfort without giving in to demands
Let them play rough and dirty: Play is how children learn and explore. Allow for messy, unstructured play that encourages creativity and resilience
Don’t compare: Every child is unique and develops at their own pace. Resist comparing your child to others and focus on their individual strengths and progress
Boundaries are essential: Set clear and consistent boundaries with love and kindness. This doesn’t mean being harsh but providing structure and guidance to help your child feel safe and secure
Self–care matters: You can’t pour from an empty cup. Prioritize your own wellbeing so you can be the best parent you can be. Take time for yourself, manage stress, and seek support when needed
Embrace imperfection: You’re not going to get it right all the time. Apologize when you make mistakes, forgive yourself, and remember that learning and growth are ongoing processes for both you and your child
Enjoy the journey: Parenthood is a unique and extraordinary adventure. Savor the good moments, be present in the little things, and find joy in the everyday interactions with your child.
Remember, every child and family is different, so find what works best for you and embrace the messy, joyful journey of parenting.
Much love, Sarah x
Sarah Tolmie – Life & Love: Sarah is a marriage therapist, life & love and relationship coach, end–of–life consultant, an independent and bespoke funeral director and holistic celebrant. She provides holistic care, mentoring, guidance, healing and transformation for individuals, couples and families at their most important times of life & love – at end–of–life, in love & relationship, and in ritual and celebration. Sarah has a relationship online course for couples called “Creating a Miracle Marriage” and a free resource and video series for families facing dying, death and grief called “Landscapes of Life & Love and Loss”. To find out more, visit www.sarahtolmie.com.au and www.miraclemarriage.com.au