We are all new to this parenting gig
by NIKKI SMITH
Our babies were not born with a manual explaining everything that we needed to know for them to thrive, nor were we given option A, B or C regarding how we wanted to parent. All these learning lessons have come with time, they’ve come with experience and it’s also hopefully something you have both discussed. If not, let this be a gentle reminder to do so.
Becoming parents is one of the most exciting, incredible times of our lives, it can also be the most humbling. It is no longer about us anymore, it is suddenly about keeping alive this little human that we’ve been blessed with! This transition into parenting isn’t going to be a relatively easy one if you’re not on the same page.
What I mean by this comes down to the values you wish to instil as a family, how you hope to teach your children right from wrong and something as simple as sleep can and will very quickly become the cause of much distress within your home and as parents, especially if you both have differing views, for example one might prefer crying it out, whereas the other leans more into a gentle way to settle your little one into dreamland. I implore you if you haven’t, to take the time to discuss it.
Countless times I have heard from parents that they just can’t agree on things to do with their kids. Common examples include dinner times; Mum: ‘Honey if you eat a little more dinner you can have some fruit afterwards;’ Dad: ‘No way, we can’t offer dessert up if they haven’t eaten all of their dinner!’
Another example is; Mum: ‘I don’t’ want to smack our kids;’ Dad: ‘Well I was flogged, and I turned out ok!’
Yes, I have made dad seem like the ‘tough guy,’ often though that can be the case. A lovely lad that’s been attending the toddler series of workshops I’ve been running offered up this pearl of wisdom, ‘perhaps that’s due to the generation beforehand where tough love was key, and boys weren’t encouraged to show emotion.’ YES to that!
An important philosophy that I like to teach within my workshops and within the online program, is emotion regulation including and especially ours, as parents!
Dr John Gottman from the Gottman institute is an internationally respected marriage and relationships researcher and expert. He estimates that close to 70% of what we DON’T like about our partner will never change.
It’s difficult to shift habits, expectations of other people are a challenge and some things are just a part of who we are.
Hearing from someone that you love that you’re doing it all wrong isn’t going to go down so well, how would you feel if your loved one expressed to you; ‘Hey Hun, I think you’re parenting all wrong here.’ I don’t think you’ll be smiling, nodding your head in agreement and saying; ‘Actually babe you’re right, I’m parenting terribly!’
People don’t like to be ‘fixed,’ nor do they like being told that they’re wrong. While we all want to do the best that we can with the knowledge that we have most of the knowledge that we do have is from our own parent’s, if your partner thinks that ‘they turned out all right’ despite being smacked, than they’re not going to take lightly you trying to ‘fix’ his parenting style! In fact, they might take it as you thinking his parents are wrong which in turn will make him feel like you think he’s turned out ‘wrong’ too.
Parenting is personal and this belief that that we are condemned to continue down the same path of our parent leaves very little room for growth within this generation of parents.
When our second daughter was born my maternity leave that time around ran up at around the six months mark, I was still breastfeeding but had no other choice then but to go back to work. We decided on weekend work so that my husband could have the girls as I wasn’t ready for our baby to be in a childcare centre. This meant that he would have the girls from 7am until 3pm with a lunchtime feed in between (Ben would drive to my workplace so I could breastfeed our daughter on my lunch break, I couldn’t get a lot of milk out when pumping).
My husband was sole carer at home over the weekends, this meant that I was to trust that he would parent them gently, consciously and with an attachment view in mind. Not only that but I also needed to ‘let go,’ I needed to allow him the space to parent his way. This was slow learning for me and I won’t lie, there were many times I came home and the house looked like a bomb had hit it, dirty nappies piled up, dishes in the sink and the kids were still in their pyjamas BUT they had built a cubby house in the lounge room, they were fed, clothed and so happy!
This kind of trust for me and many parents came because of sitting down and discussing our values when it came down to how we’d like to be parenting, topics such as, would we smack our kids (full disclosure, I was smacked when I was a kid, I’d like to think I turned out ok but regardless, I don’t think it’s any type of answer when we resort to violence), would we yell at our kids, co-sleep, breastfeed, would we use cloth nappies or disposable, the list goes on!
The simple fact is, from experience this worked for us because we’d discussed it and we trusted each other because we’d talked it through thoroughly.
In the end, we are not all perfect people, but we can at least try to agree on some things, acceptance of each other parenting differently but with the same approach, is always a sense of unity as far as relationships and parenting go.
Below I am going to outline a guide for you to hopefully agree on an opportunity to sit down to talk about how you can get on the same page;
I always feel like it’s best to start with the positive things that you like about each other! Set a time to sit with a bottle of wine or a cup of tea and discuss the things that strengthen you.
- What is one thing that your partner does with your children that you love?
- How can this be a bigger part of your days together?
- What are three things that you like to do together as a family?
- How can you create time for more of those things?
When we focus on the positive things that you like to do together as a family it will always leave more room for alignment and connection rather than focusing on the negative.
The next focus task is to look at creating the same vision that you both see moving forward as a family.
- Do you have a vision of what you would like your family to feel like? I say feel, because we all wish to feel a certain way, we want to feel happy, for an example so how can we create happy in our home as a family, together?
Consistency is key, but consistency with the right things for your family.
- What do you value most within your home?
- When our child challenges us do we want a hard approach a soft approach or a gentle but firm approach?
- What do we want our children to feel from us? Again, I say feel because I want you to think about feelings, do you want your child to feel anger or happiness when they are communicating with you?
- If there I unacceptable behaviour how best can we communicate what we want in a way that fits in with the above answers?
- What can we put in place right now, together, to move forward?
Getting on the same page won’t always be easy. You might not even agree to getting on the same page. If this is the case perhaps you can look into experimenting with your varied styles of parenting, for example for a few days try their approach (only if it is safe and it feels ok for you both), then switch back to your approach and see which best feels good for the whole family.
I think an important point I’d like to make here is to agree not to fight about this in front of your kids. Make them privately so that you can ensure you are not undermining one another in front of your children, this then at least promotes respectful communication.
Sometimes, professional help is what’s needed and that’s ok.
Lastly, might I suggest a date night;
When we are able to sift through a couple of different things to get onto the same page it will lighten the load that parenting can bring when we aren’t.
Date night; Parenting on the same page!
Topics of discussion-
- What are your favourite childhood memories?
- How would you like your children to remember their childhoods?
- What can you do to make it a memorable one? Ideas are, camping, beach days, picnics at the park.
Nikki Smith is a Registered Nurse and a Qualified Child and Family Nurse. A mama of three beautiful daughters with a strong belief in raising our children consciously and intuitively. Nikki is the founder of Earthway Parenting and has developed and is facilitating Post Partum Care and Tuning into your Toddler Workshops. Nikki also provides in home, one on one consultations according to the unique needs of your family focusing on gentle parenting for your infant and/or toddler. You can find more information here www.earthwayparenting.com.au