{"id":2224,"date":"2021-12-01T06:14:00","date_gmt":"2021-11-30T19:14:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/onthecoastpublications.com.au\/onthecoastfamilies\/?p=2224"},"modified":"2023-09-09T22:35:59","modified_gmt":"2023-09-09T12:35:59","slug":"reconnecting-repairing-after-parental-outbursts-central-coast","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/onthecoastpublications.com.au\/onthecoastfamilies\/reconnecting-repairing-after-parental-outbursts-central-coast\/","title":{"rendered":"Reconnecting and Repairing After Parental Outbursts: A Guide for Central Coast Mothers"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Alita Blanchard, Parent Coach<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Like many parents, you may be coping with your own emotional pains, pandemic stress, anxiety, as well as a lack of support and village. You will inevitably crack some days and explode at your sweet child. Here is how to repair the disconnection on those tough days.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It would make absolute sense if you are at the end of your tether \u2013 impatient, overwhelmed, exhausted and, as such, your capacity to remain calm and connected is harder than ever.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The ongoing global pandemic is well and truly taking its toll. Many parents are in varying levels of stress and nervous systems are in an almost constant state of fight, flight or freeze.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

All of this, on top of the everyday emotional experience of raising children, may have you in cycles of anger, sadness and disconnection. Every parent will \u201close it\u201d at their kids at some point \u2013 yell, scream, push, rage, ignore, threaten and punish.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What our children need <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

For children to thrive, they need to rest in the safety of a loving and connected relationship with their primary caregiver and feel the 4S\u2019s of attachment \u2013 safe, seen, soothed and secure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you\u2019ve had a tough day with your child, it can be easy to feel a lot of guilt and shame about how you have reacted to their often challenging behaviours.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The key to ensuring an ongoing secure and attuned connection on those tough days is to reconnect and repair the rupture.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is so critical and it is what many parents missed out on as children. I have many mothers I work with that say \u201cmy parents never said sorry to me\u201d. When you learn and practice this process of repair, you are not only modelling to your child how to do a true, healthy, connected apology (instead of some forced \u201csay you\u2019re sorry\u201d that sadly is still expected of children), you are also healing parts of yourself that had never heard these repairs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ruptures are inevitable<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A rupture is a break in connection with your child. Perhaps you yelled, screamed, ignored them, threatened them, said goodbye at daycare and left them crying, set a limit that upset them. This is life. It happens. You cannot meet your child\u2019s every need, it is an impossibility.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A rupture without repair creates disconnection<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you don\u2019t make a repair with your child, this creates a disconnection between you. Prolonged disconnection can lead to a low sense of self worth in the child, humiliation and shame.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A repair can be a simple practice<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A repair is simply reconnecting with your child after an outburst, apologising, letting them know what was happening for you, what you should have done differently and letting them know you will try to do better next time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You will need to calm and regulate yourself first<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lots of advice in the parenting space to find calm is simply \u201cjust take some deep breaths\u201d but this doesn\u2019t work for everyone, especially those with anxiety. Find what works for your nervous system as we all regulate our nervous systems differently. This alone can be quite a big journey of discovery.<\/p>\n\n\n\n