{"id":9986,"date":"2026-05-03T12:25:45","date_gmt":"2026-05-03T02:25:45","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/onthecoastpublications.com.au\/onthecoastfamilies\/?p=9986"},"modified":"2026-04-25T12:26:16","modified_gmt":"2026-04-25T02:26:16","slug":"parenting-style-conflicts-gottman-therapy-tips","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/onthecoastpublications.com.au\/onthecoastfamilies\/parenting-style-conflicts-gottman-therapy-tips\/","title":{"rendered":"The Dream Within the Conflict: Finding Common Ground in Your Parenting Styles"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

by sarah tolmie<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Reader Question: <\/strong>\u201cMy husband and I have very different parenting styles. We have two young sons. I like to explain the whys and consequences but my husband is less patient, and will just say it is this way or this is the punishment. We end up fighting each other about which way is better and confusing the boys. How do we go about changing this for the better for all of us?\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

First up, as a mother of boys, respect! It\u2019s a sacred and tough job. I found it particularly confusing being from a family of only girls \u2013 boys, what an alien species, right?!<\/sup><\/sup><\/sup><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When it comes to parenting, we see the mirro<\/sup>r of own family and childhood playing out and reflected back. It is almost inevitable that we will see in our own parenting persona both the best and worst glimpses of our own parents. We will unc<\/sup>onsciously act within the experiential lens of our own family valu<\/sup>es \u2013 for better or for worse.<\/sup><\/sup><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Conflicts in parenting styles can be a perpetual conflict potential for couples. Parenting challenges don\u2019t go away \u2013 they\u2019re not a once solved then all is good situation \u2013 they stay with us, change and evolve in form and context as kids grow and develop and e<\/sup>nter \u2018new ages, stage<\/sup>s and rages\u2019. As such, both parents need to approach their differences with a \u201ccuriosity and a care to understand\u201d, not, a \u201cjudgement and a need to be right\u201d approach.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rather than being in conflict, couples can become a unified parental team and combine each other\u2019s different capacities, once they begin to appreciate and understand the different foundations of their family beliefs and values system. When we engage in this exploration it can lead to a personal reflection to decide together whether you want to keep to your inherited ways or develop a different approach, together, based on committing to a shared value system.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In Gottman Couple Therapy<\/strong>, we call this uncovering the \u2018dream within conflict\u2019. What are the feelings and beliefs that hold someone strong to a position on an issue? What is the dream behind their position, or the story of the source of the dream or belief? Where does this deeply held belief come from?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Humans will fight for their values. We will fight for our dreams. And sometimes, they are so hidden, unspoken and without language, we will fight for them and not even know it. And as partners\/parents, we can find ourselves unknowingly, unwittingly, crushing each other\u2019s dreams when we think we are fighting about something else.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some questions to ask can be:<\/p>\n\n\n\n