{"id":3273,"date":"2022-11-01T07:14:00","date_gmt":"2022-10-31T20:14:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/onthecoastpublications.com.au\/onthecoastover55\/?p=3273"},"modified":"2023-09-04T16:25:32","modified_gmt":"2023-09-04T06:25:32","slug":"embracing-change-nudging-adult-children-towards-independence-marriage-therapist-central-coast","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/onthecoastpublications.com.au\/onthecoastover55\/embracing-change-nudging-adult-children-towards-independence-marriage-therapist-central-coast\/","title":{"rendered":"Matters of Life & Love – Embracing Change: Nudging Adult Children Towards Independence"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Sarah Tolmie<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

Reader Question: “Our adult children (they are in their mid\u201320\u2019s) still live with us. We are entering our 60\u2019s and looking to downsize and change things up and maybe travel. When we were their age, we were house sharing and travelling and well flown the coop. I don\u2019t think they are going anywhere. How do we tell them we\u2019re done!?\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Dearly Beloved<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I left home at 18 to house share, travel and live in a cockroach\u2013infested, crumbly terrace in Redfern within walking distance to Sydney University, the first thing my parents did was turn my bedroom into a glass roofed conservatory. Any prospect of ever returning home was dashed and occupied instead by plants and succulents. True! I kid you not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now I am not suggesting major knock down renovations if they go off for a holiday, but let\u2019s not rule it out. It works! But seriously, this is a tough one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because, it really does seem unnaturally, unfairly harder for young adults today. The cost of living, the cost of education and \u2018adulting\u2019 seems truly inflated compared to \u2018our day\u2019. It\u2019s hard, but in some ways, it is just a different version of hard. As a coach once said to me, \u201cSarah, it\u2019s ok. Life and love is sometimes hard. We can do hard things!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As each generation comes through, they are further and further distanced and sheltered from the hardships of the generation before them. Remember when we didn\u2019t have mobile phones and computing? We got paid in cash with paper payslips? Remember when there were no credit cards, AfterPay or the bank of \u2018mum and dad? Remember when you just had to \u2018live within your means\u2019 and maybe that meant you had to work two jobs?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I remember at Uni, living on porridge, rice and semolina and hanging out for the wonderful $2 vegetarian meals provided by the Hari Krishna club, and eating staff meals at my night time week night pub job and weekend, fine dining waitressing. I lived off my tips, jangling home with a bra full of coins and small notes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

OK. OK. Enough small violins. And yet, we can do hard things. They can do hard things too. It\u2019s not permanent, just a part of an essential part of life and love\u2019s rollercoaster.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maybe it needs a family heart to heart sharing with your children your feelings, needs and desires. Maybe it\u2019s putting a plan in place to give them time to think about how they\u2019d like to own their next steps into independence and adulthood and discussing a time frame for future moves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Life is too short to not at some point in time, put yourself first. It is ok to\u2013step away from parenting obligations once your kids are adults. Life is about continual transitions and changes and evolutions. Even into our adulthood and mid\u2013life, we can invite transformation, change and new directions. We must learn to embrace these especially the ones of our choosing and desires because trust me, life will impose transformations, change and new directions anyway. You may as well get in first and choose your own adventure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And who knows, there is a fair chance life and love will come full circle. Later, when the winds of change swirl again, maybe, you will be in a new space and place, and find yourselves back together again. Multi\u2013generational households are all the rage in the third age.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So go on. With all the love and goodness in your heart driving your intentions\u2026kick \u2018em out. Follow the sun. The kids, they\u2019ll be fine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Much love, Sarah x<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sarah Tolmie<\/strong> \u2013 Life & Love: Sarah is a marriage therapist, life & love and relationship coach, end\u2013of\u2013life consultant, an independent and bespoke funeral director and holistic celebrant. She provides holistic care, mentoring, guidance, healing and transformation for individuals, couples and families at their most important times of life & love \u2013 at end\u2013of\u2013life, in love & relationship, and in ritual and celebration. Sarah has a relationship online course for couples called \u201cCreating a Miracle Marriage\u201d and a free resource and video series for families facing dying, death and grief called \u201cLandscapes of Life & Love and Loss\u201d. To find out more, visit www.sarahtolmie.com.au<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"By Sarah Tolmie Reader Question: “Our adult children (they are in their mid\u201320\u2019s) still live with us. We are entering our 60\u2019s and looking to downsize and change things up…","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3274,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"content-type":"","om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"_lmt_disableupdate":"","_lmt_disable":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"","filesize":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":"","filesize_raw":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[37],"tags":[75,44],"series":[115],"class_list":["post-3273","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-health-wellbeing","tag-article","tag-sarah-tolmie","series-coffee-with-a-coastie"],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/onthecoastpublications.com.au\/onthecoastover55\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/3\/2022\/09\/family-living-together.jpg","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/onthecoastpublications.com.au\/onthecoastover55\/wp-content\/plugins\/seriously-simple-podcasting\/assets\/images\/no-album-art.png","download_link":"","player_link":"","audio_player":false,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"dark","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"stitcher":{"key":"stitcher","url":"","label":"Stitcher","class":"stitcher","icon":"stitcher.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/onthecoastpublications.com.au\/onthecoastover55\/feed\/podcast\/coffee-with-a-coastie","embedCode":"

Matters of Life & Love – Embracing Change: Nudging Adult Children Towards Independence<\/a><\/blockquote>