{"id":4093,"date":"2023-07-01T06:29:00","date_gmt":"2023-06-30T20:29:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/onthecoastpublications.com.au\/onthecoastover55\/?p=4093"},"modified":"2023-06-01T01:29:56","modified_gmt":"2023-05-31T15:29:56","slug":"matters-of-life-and-love-my-partner-is-succumbing-to-some-of-the-cliches-of-ageing","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/onthecoastpublications.com.au\/onthecoastover55\/matters-of-life-and-love-my-partner-is-succumbing-to-some-of-the-cliches-of-ageing\/","title":{"rendered":"Matters of Life and Love – My partner is succumbing to some of the clich\u00e9s of ageing"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Sarah Tolmie<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

Reader Question<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMy partner is succumbing to some of the clich\u00e9s of ageing. He can\u2019t hear very well, and we often fight when conversations are broken and difficult to flow easily. He\u2019s tired and less virile. I know I should be compassionate and caring but I find it annoying and I get angry at him. I feel so ashamed of my response. How do I find a better way?\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Dearly Beloved<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

To quote my dearly departed father\u2013in\u2013law, \u201cthis ageing business is no good\u201d, and yet also, he would say, \u201cbut the alternative is not preferable\u201d. As hard and confronting as it is, getting older, for the most part, is a privilege only the dying and dead can give proper perspective on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some of us will do it with less difficulty than others, and with better health and capacity than others. For as long as we keep doing laps around the sun, we are all going to age and face change and challenge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Unfortunately, ageing is a ripe field for many clich\u00e9s and many jokes. Being twelve years younger than my husband, I\u2019ve worn out the joke that we are never in the same decade and have maybe made too much fun of the fact that he will mark certain ageing milestones before me. And then I hit menopause. And then I had a few health scares myself. And now with my own ageing confronting me, it all seems less funny, and I have given some sheepish apologies of late to the insensitivities I had.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I know now that when the clich\u00e9 becomes a real and lived experience, it is no longer a clich\u00e9 or funny, but an invitation to \u2018get real and get creative and get compassionate\u2019. It\u2019s pointless to wage war with time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What I mean by that is to move beyond seeing ageing as a clich\u00e9, which is a reductive explanation for what is going on, and instead, accept some things have changed and deal with the reality of what is happening. Identify and acknowledge what the changes are and the effect on you, and your partner, and your relationship, and adapt to find a way to better it together.
The first thing to do is to attend to the feelings and then to own them. Don\u2019t blame them on the other. This is not to say that you are not allowed the feelings because you are! You can, and will, feel all sorts of big and hard feelings. It\u2019s understanding them and knowing HOW you do your feelings that matters.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anger is often a first and easy \u2018go to\u2019 feeling, but it can often be the outer shell feeling to something that is more nuanced when you reflect more deeply. In my coaching\/therapy work, I share this image of anger as a nut that has a hard, outer shell protecting a lot of other different, perhaps more vulnerable feelings inside it, such as fear, anxiety, confusion, shame, guilt, sadness, grief, embarrassment, injustice, rejection, loneliness and more. And by the way, shame can sometimes be an expression of anger but directing it back towards yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you know and share feeling(s) and understand what they are trying to tell you, like what you need, then you have a lot more information and data and understanding to ask for what you want. You can sidestep guilt and shame and blame and move into care and compassion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And move onto better clich\u00e9s, like ‘with age comes wisdom’.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Much love, Sarah x<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sarah Tolmie<\/strong> \u2013 Life & Love: Sarah is a marriage therapist, life & love and relationship coach, end\u2013of\u2013life consultant, an independent and bespoke funeral director and holistic celebrant. She provides holistic care, mentoring, guidance, healing and transformation for individuals, couples and families at their most important times of life & love \u2013 at end\u2013of\u2013life, in love & relationship, and in ritual and celebration. Sarah has a series of online courses \u2013 \u201cCreating a Miracle Marriage. Online Course for Couples\u201d and \u201cHow do you feel? Using the intelligence of our emotions to heal and be whole in Life & Love and \u201cLandscapes of Life & Love and Loss. Traversing the pathways of dying, death and grief\u201d. To find out more, visit sarahtolmie.com.au<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"By Sarah Tolmie Reader Question \u201cMy partner is succumbing to some of the clich\u00e9s of ageing. He can\u2019t hear very well, and we often fight when conversations are broken and…","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4096,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"content-type":"","om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"_lmt_disableupdate":"","_lmt_disable":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"","filesize":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":"","filesize_raw":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[47],"tags":[75,44],"series":[115],"class_list":["post-4093","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-family","tag-article","tag-sarah-tolmie","series-coffee-with-a-coastie"],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/onthecoastpublications.com.au\/onthecoastover55\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/3\/2023\/06\/elderly-avatars.jpg","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/onthecoastpublications.com.au\/onthecoastover55\/wp-content\/plugins\/seriously-simple-podcasting\/assets\/images\/no-album-art.png","download_link":"","player_link":"","audio_player":false,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"dark","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"stitcher":{"key":"stitcher","url":"","label":"Stitcher","class":"stitcher","icon":"stitcher.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/onthecoastpublications.com.au\/onthecoastover55\/feed\/podcast\/coffee-with-a-coastie","embedCode":"

Matters of Life and Love – My partner is succumbing to some of the clich\u00e9s of ageing<\/a><\/blockquote>