by sarah tolmie
Reader Question: “I am a few years into adjusting to widowhood. It has been hard but I have been doing the work and going ok. I am now planning an earlier than expected retirement because I have the means. My husband’s untimely early death has taught me that life is short; so live it. I realise I am retiring before many of my friends. I already live with a sense of loneliness. I want a posse of retirement friends and playmates – but I am nervous and don’t know how to start. Now I wonder if I am making a big mistake. Can you offer some advice and guidance?”
Dearly Beloved
I am so glad you were brave and asked this question, voicing your fears, because I feel uniquely qualified to encourage and advise you here – even though I am not retired myself. How, you might ask? Because I have a close source who has done exactly what you are about to do. My dear mumma.
In fact, my mumma lost her husband literally on the day she retired. He had a very fast and acute illness and died 3 weeks from diagnosis. I rushed my mum from her work farewell to arrive bedside with only hours to say goodbye. Mum found herself early retired and widowed on the same day.
As you mentioned, you are working your way through your grief and adjusting to life without your husband. I honour the strength and capacity building that requires. It is brave and courageous to tackle the changes imposed upon you. Lean into and push on with that bravery and courage, because you are right, life is short, so live it.
Whilst you didn’t have time or warning to prepare for widowhood, you do have the choice and time to prepare for retiring. I remember being told by a wise person, “you must plan for your career after retirement” and I have witnessed many retirements since and can see this is true. Without a plan many retirees falter and crash with false expectations (not being met), irritability and boredom, and yes, loneliness.
I know exactly how widowhood can suddenly yank you into a world of aloneness after couple–dom, and loneliness. And retiring can also radically change the rhythm and routines of your day that can also exacerbate aloneness and loneliness. They are though, two different things. You can be alone and not suffer with loneliness. It just takes effort to put yourself into new environments and activities.
I am happy to say, for my mumma, after a year or so in the shock and wilds of grief – she transformed and did a magnificent pivot to create a retired life of envy – travel, friends, passions, activities etc. And so, I went to the source to get some of my mums’ best pieces of advice and encouragement.
Put your big girl pants on, and boots too – and get out there. A great adventure awaits – and many playmates are out there ready to welcome you.
Push yourself out of your comfort zone and sign up for things and put yourself into new situations and environments.
Find 55+ activity groups – yoga, gym, walking, culture, arts, movies – whatever interests you and just show up.
Some gems my mum found were U3A, movie clubs, and theatre appreciation group events (going to the theatre alone was too sad for her).
Go with an explicit ‘agenda’ and desire to find friends and connection. My mum’s advice and experience is that most people are warm and welcoming (they understand, and may have also been through their own losses, changes and initiations into a group).
You will also find out how many other ‘widows’ are out there – it is not such an exclusive club – and there is a lot of love and support and friendship ready to be extended to you in a very genuine way.
Follow up contacts that you connect to with invitations for coffee catch ups and friendships will grow thick and fast and strong.
Some friendships that my mum has made in the past 18 years are the strongest, most meaningful connections of her life, and they have provided a great sense of belonging and many rich experiences. She and her retirement posse have shared many domestic and international travel adventures and have become as close as family.
Trust your decision to retire and lean into new life and love. It is not a mistake; it is just fear you are feeling – and you are allowed to be anxious and scared – and – do it anyway. Its success just depends on how you do it.
All the very best.
Much love, Sarah x
Sarah Tolmie – Life & Love: Sarah is a marriage therapist, life & love and relationship coach, end–of–life consultant, an independent and bespoke funeral director and holistic celebrant. She provides holistic care, mentoring, guidance, healing and transformation for individuals, couples and families at their most important times of life & love – at end–of–life, in love & relationship, and in ritual and celebration. Sarah has a relationship online course for couples called “Creating a Miracle Marriage” and a free resource and video series for families facing dying, death and grief called “Landscapes of Life & Love and Loss”. To find out more, visit www.sarahtolmie.com.au