By Sarah Tolmie
Reader Question:
“My husband and I have very different parenting styles. We have two young sons. I like to explain the whys and consequences but my husband is less patient, and will just say it is this way or this is the punishment. We end up fighting each other about which way is better and confusing the boys. How do we go about changing this for the better for all of us?”
Dearly Beloved
First up – as a mother of boys –respect! It’s a sacred and tough job. I found it particularly confusing being from a family of only girls, boys – what an alien species, right?
When it comes to parenting, we see the mirror of own family and childhood playing out and reflected back. It is almost inevitable that we will see in our own parenting persona both the best and worst glimpses of our own parents. We will unconsciously act within the experiential lens of our own family values, or better or for worse.
Conflicts in parenting styles can be a perpetual conflict potential for couples. Parenting challenges don’t go away – they’re not a once solved then all is good situation, they stay with us, change and evolve in form and context as kids grow and develop and enter ‘new ages, stages and rages’. As such, both parents need to approach their differences with a curiosity and a care to understand, not, a judgement and a need to be right approach.
Rather than being in conflict, couples can become a unified parental team and combine each other’s different capacities, once they begin to appreciate and understand the different foundations of their family beliefs and values system. When we engage in this exploration it can lead to a personal reflection to decide together whether you want to keep to your inherited ways or develop a different approach, together, based on committing to a shared value system.
In Gottman Couple Therapy, we call this uncovering the ‘dream within conflict’. What are the feelings and beliefs that hold someone strong to a position on an issue? What is the dream behind their position, or the story of the source of the dream or belief? Where does this deeply held belief come from?
Humans will fight for their values. We will fight for our dreams. And sometimes, they are so hidden, unspoken and without language, we will fight for them and not even know it. And as partners/parents, we can find ourselves unknowingly, unwittingly, crushing each other’s dreams when we think we are fighting about something else.
Some questions to ask can be: “tell me why this is so important to you?” or “is there a story behind this for you? or does this relate to your background or childhood history in some way?”, or “what is your ideal dream here?”. Soon you might realise that you are not fighting about disciplining children differently, but you are in the presence of deep personal values/dreams such as freedom, safety, being true to yourself, getting over past wounds or being worthy of love.
Maybe a boy’s experience of his dad’s tough love kept him safe, protected and disciplined (all good things) but it came at the cost of being scared of his dad, losing respect for him and rebelling, and ending up not in close relationship. Now that boy, as an adult father, may find himself replicating his dad’s style but it is affecting his closeness to his own son and causing conflict with his wife. We can’t change our childhood, but we do get a choice about how we parent. We can break patterns and learn new skills. It is about knowing what you value, holding onto the right dream for the future you want.
Sharing values and the same goals but having different approaches to express and create experiences in pursuit of the same bigger picture, is OK. Try not to force your way as the only way. Both of you can be right.
Much love
Sarah x
Sarah Tolmie – Life & Love: Sarah is a marriage therapist, life & love and relationship coach, end–of–life consultant, an independent and bespoke funeral director and holistic celebrant. She provides holistic care, mentoring, guidance, healing and transformation for individuals, couples and families at their most important times of life & love – at end–of–life, in love & relationship, and in ritual and celebration. Sarah has a relationship online course for couples called “Creating a Miracle Marriage” and a free resource and video series for families facing dying, death and grief called “Landscapes of Life & Love and Loss”. To find out more, visit www.sarahtolmie.com.au