by sarah tolmie
Reader Question: “We have just been informed by our son that our grandson who is 13 now ‘identifies’ as a girl. They are formally looking into medically transitioning his gender. They have requested we refer to him as her/she and she has already taken a different name. This is completely new and scary for us, and we don’t understand. We are afraid we will do it wrong. We are afraid for our grandchild and the family. Looking for some advice and resources.”
Dearly Beloved
As a cis, heterosexual, white, middle class, middle–aged woman; a woman born on Gadigal country and now living on Darkinjung country; a child of saltwater and sand; born under the sun sign of Libra and the year of the Metal Pig; a mother of sons and lover of 80s rock/pop anthems; I can only answer this question as someone who is wholehearted an ally of the LGBTQIA+ community.
I don’t have lived experience of being a minority, but I do have some experience of being discriminated as a woman; and judged as a curvy gal in an “Elle McPherson” beach culture (it was the 80’s!); and excluded from elite and privileged circles. Also, I do know what it is like to be bullied and the pain of trying so very hard to fit in before embarking on my own long journey towards self–acceptance and feeling strong and safe to live into my authenticity.
There is nothing more empowering than knowing who you are and being free to live into your ‘self’ and explore your gifts with acceptance, freedom and permission of expression. What you say after “I am…..” determines….everything! That journey to inhabit my authentic self has taken only about 5 decades to feel mostly fully free to be me. The deep contentment and peace of knowing and being my “I am me”, in all my identifications; and to be able to live my life freely as ‘me’, is something that should be the right of everyone.
The fact that your grandchild at age 13 yrs has been so brave and clear about who she is and has asked her family to help her embark on her lifetime journey to becoming who she is, is just about the most beautiful invitation in the world. To live an authentic life and to be loved for who you are by the people you love….is everything! What a privilege to participate in something so important and special and meaningful.
Your fear for your grandchild does come from a legitimate place. The wellbeing risks experienced by the LGBTQIA+ community are real. The statistics for suicide, bullying, violence, abuse, discrimination and mental health challenges are disproportionate. The prevention and healing of this current reality comes from building safe communities through education; continuing to increase representation; and families embracing diversity with joy, celebration and love.
One of the amazing legacies created by the brave courageous people of the rainbow community – led by LGBTQIA+ Mardi Gras elders and originals the past 50 years – is the pioneering foundations they laid down with the pride movement. A movement, described by Amnesty International as “a rebellion of authenticity – to stand unapologetically as the people we are, and as the community we make. To feel joy in the lives we lead and share them with the people we love – and who love us.” –Amnesty Int.
Take pride in your grandchild and bless their path with love, acceptance, inclusion, respect and empathy. Use their preferred pronouns and chosen name; and if you make a mistake or slip up, offer a meaningful apology and try again. Ultimately you can’t do it wrong if your intention is to be part of the transformation and let love lead.
Take a leadership role in your family to find out as much as you can to understand her world and her journey; and learn how you can be a safe ally and support. There are so many fantastic resources, community groups and trainings. One great place to start is www.rainbowfamilies.com.au. And then be an ambassador for her future by taking it even further and modelling and teaching as many other people as possible how to embrace and include all colours of the rainbow.
I am so delighted for you and your family and your grandchild. Life and love was not mean to be monochrome.
Much love, Sarah x
Sarah Tolmie – Life & Love: Sarah is a marriage therapist, life & love and relationship coach, end–of–life consultant, an independent and bespoke funeral director and holistic celebrant. She provides holistic care, mentoring, guidance, healing and transformation for individuals, couples and families at their most important times of life & love – at end–of–life, in love & relationship, and in ritual and celebration. Sarah has a relationship online course for couples called “Creating a Miracle Marriage” and a guide to working with feelings and emotions called “How Do You Feel?”; plus a free resource and video series for families facing dying, death and grief called “Landscapes of Life & Love and Loss”. To find out more, visit www.sarahtolmie.com.au