by Alexandra Wilson, director of mindful recovery services
Imagine you’re sitting around the lunch table on Christmas Day. Your teenage child is pouting because they are being forced to sit at the table with the family (rather than absorb themselves in their screen). Your younger child is crying because you won’t make them mac & cheese and they don’t want to try any of the food on the table. And your father is spouting his offensive political views.
You feel the frustration boiling up inside you. An extra glass of wine does not seem to be quelling the urge to scream at them all.
Does this sound familiar (or some version of this)!?
Christmas can be a joyous time with family and friends, but it can also be highly stressful and triggering!
So how can we reduce our own frustration and suffering, and increase our sense of lightness and freedom this silly season?Radical acceptance may be the answer!
Radical acceptance is called ‘radical’ because it involves trying to accept things that feel unacceptable.
Radical acceptance is not:
- Agreeing with something.
- Condoning something.
- Being passive.
- Allowing abusive behaviour.
Radical acceptance is:
- Acknowledging that fighting with reality doesn’t change it.
- Fighting with reality increases our own suffering.
- Fighting with reality takes up energy we could put into more helpful aspects of our lives.
Radical acceptance is anti–change. In fact, it’s often said that acceptance is the precondition to change. This is because we can’t change what we don’t acknowledge. Sometimes we get so caught up fighting reality that we haven’t taken a step back to see what’s really going on.
Let’s go back to our Christmas lunch example….
Let’s say you’ve had enough. The frustration boils over and you slam your cutlery on the table. You tell your father to shut–up and that he’s an ignorant fool. You tell your teenager that you’re taking their phone for the rest of December and maybe into the New Year if they don’t drop the attitude. As you’re storming away from the table you yell at your younger child to just eat what they’re given, because there are starving kids in Africa who would love that food.
You go into your bedroom, slam your door and swear you are not coming out until tomorrow.
What is this experience like for you? Feelings of anger, frustration, despair seem predominant. Thoughts of, ‘They don’t appreciate me. I try to make a nice day and all they can do is give me grief!’
Not much fun, huh?
Let’s look at how we could apply radical acceptance skills here following these steps:
- Acknowledge the frustration without judgement:
Of course you are angry! That’s okay, but we don’t need to let anger run the show. It may be helpful to acknowledge some softer emotions under the anger (such as hurt), naming and validating that to yourself helps soften the anger. - Identify what you can’t change:
Can you make your dad change his political views? Can you make your teen stop pouting? Make your chid like the food at the table? Whatever you can’t change right this moment, we will try to accept. - Practice an internal mantra of acceptance:
Say to yourself in your mind something that encourages you to radically accept just in this moment, moment by moment. A mantra such as, ‘Trying to accept’, or, ‘Let it be’, may be helpful. - Relax your body posture:
Open your palms upward in your lap. Relax your face. Notice any tension in your body and encourage it to gently release. Breathe. - Direct your attention to something more helpful:
Where would you like to put your energy rather than the sources of frustration? Direct your thoughts and actions there.
If you notice yourself getting drawn back into the ‘fight’ with reality, gently encourage yourself to start at step one again and repeat.
Final thoughts… Radical acceptance is not a ‘one–and–done’ deal. We may have to recommit to trying to accept many times in a day. We are not trying to deny our feelings, but simply doing what works to reduce our own suffering and increase our own sense of freedom in our daily lives.
If you are finding frustration, anger or despair is not shifting despite your best efforts, consider reaching out to a professional counsellor for help.
Mental Health Access Line (Central Coast): 1800 011 511 | Lifeline: 13 11 14
Mindful Recovery Services: www.mindfulrecovery.com.au or (02) 4660 0100
Alex Wilson is an Accredited Mental Health Social Worker and Director of Mindful Recovery Services and the Central Coast DBT Centre, providing psychological treatment and support for adolescents and adults. Alex is passionate about dispelling myths about mental illness, and is highly skilled in dialectical behavioural therapy. She is an experienced public speaker and provides consultation to other professionals on managing difficult behaviours in teens. Alex lives on the NSW Central Coast with her partner, 2 young boys, 2 goats, a bunch of chickens and a cheeky puppy named Axel.