By Alita Blanchard, Holistic Counsellor and Parent Coach
Parenting brings up many intense feelings, a fierce protectiveness of our children and plenty of joy.
And it can also awaken anger, crippling perfectionism, fear, and a need for control. Many parents, especially mothers in the early years, find themselves wrestling with emotions they didn’t expect. You might fear your own anger, struggle with losing control, feel shame when you don’t “get it right,” or battle the exhaustion of perfectionism. Maybe frustration and rage take you by surprise, leaving you wondering, Where did that come from?
Parenting often unearths everything unresolved in us. And while that can feel overwhelming, it’s also an invitation to grow.
Understanding the Roots of These Struggles
Fear of anger and rage
Many parents fear their own anger, especially if they were raised in homes where emotions weren’t safe. You might suppress it until it erupts or feel guilt for even having it. But anger itself isn’t the problem – it’s a signal. When you learn to work with it, rather than fear it, you can access its wisdom and set boundaries without regret. The goal isn’t to never feel these emotions but to learn how to move through them with more ease.
The need for control
New mothers often feel an urgent need to control everything – schedules, behaviour, emotions because unpredictability feels unsafe. But control is an illusion. The more we try to grip tightly, the more stress builds. Learning to trust yourself and your child is a slow but freeing process.
Shame and perfectionism
The pressure to be a “good mother” can be crushing. If you grew up equating mistakes with failure, parenting can trigger deep guilt and shame when things go wrong. But mistakes are part of learning – for both you and your child. Learning how to repair after tough moments is so much more valuable that trying to be perfect.
Where to Start: Small Daily Shifts
Healing these patterns isn’t about a single breakthrough—it’s about daily micro–moments that retrain your brain, body, and nervous system over time. Here’s how to begin:
Ground yourself before reacting
- Practice taking a conscious breath and long slow exhale before responding.
- Place a hand on your heart or belly to reconnect to your body.
- If you feel triggered, step outside or move your body to release tension.
Create a pause practice
- Instead of reacting immediately, take three slow breaths.
- Say in your mind or out loud “This is not an emergency”.
- This small space between trigger and response helps rewire your reactions.
Name what’s happening
- When anger rises, say, “I feel overwhelmed right now, but I am safe.”
- Naming emotions out loud softens their intensity.
Let go of perfectionism
- Remind yourself: “My child doesn’t need a perfect parent – good enough is good enough.”
- When mistakes happen, focus on repair rather than self–criticism.
Build tiny moments of regulation
- Step outside for two minutes of fresh air. Look at the sky. Notice clouds.
- A gentle neck stretch and massage your ears to release tension.
- Rinse your hands in cold water to reset your nervous system.
- Take one mindful sip of tea or water. Icy cold water can be regulating.
Somatic Practices to Support Emotional Regulation
When emotions feel overwhelming, working with your body can help:
Shake it off: If frustration builds, shake your hands or legs to release tension.
Humming or sighing: These activate the vagus nerve, shifting your body toward regulation or “calm”.
Weighted sensation: Holding a warm drink, wrapping in a blanket, or placing a hand on your chest can be deeply soothing.
Slow exhale breathing: Inhale for four counts, exhale for six. This tells your nervous system, You are safe.
Retraining the Brain: Small Mindset Shifts
Our thoughts shape our emotional landscape. These simple reframes can help:
- Instead of I’m failing at this, try, “I’m learning something new.”
- Instead of I have to do it all, try, “It’s okay to ask for help.”
- Instead of I shouldn’t feel this way, try “My feelings are valid, and I can move through them.”
Healing Takes Time and That’s Okay
Parenting will challenge and stretch you. There will be days when you feel like you’re getting it right and days when you don’t. Growth isn’t linear – it’s messy, layered, and ongoing.
But each time you pause, breathe, and respond with more softness, you’re creating change. Each time you let go of control and trust yourself, you’re healing. And each time you show up with love, even in the messiness, you are enough.
Because the truth is, parenting isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present. And that is more than enough.
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Alita Blanchard, The Aware Mama, based on the NSW Central Coast, Alita is a mother of 4 boys, Holistic Counsellor, Nervous system informed Parent Coach and Emotional Release practitioner. She holds mothers circles, online programs and offers 1;1 counselling and support online for overwhelmed parents. Instagram: @alitablanchard_ Email hello@theawaremama.com.au
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