by alyssa Said – certified body image and food relationship counsellor
When we think of emotional eating, we might envision the classic stereotype of the woman on the lounge with a tub of ice cream, crying of a broken heart. However, the reality is that we are all emotional eaters in our day to day lives. Part of what makes us human is the way our emotions intricately influence everything we do in life, including our food decisions.
A problem with emotional eating only arises when food becomes a person’s primary coping mechanism – their immediate ‘go to’ in emotionally challenging circumstances, causing them to be on the extreme end of the emotional eater spectrum.
How then can we help our children to develop a healthy emotional connection to food, and become adults who don’t rely heavily on food to comfort them?
Firstly, our goal shouldn’t be for emotional eating to be eliminated from your child’s life, but instead, a positive outcome might be for your child to grow up being able to draw on helpful coping strategies for emotional support, whilst still allowing food a peaceful place amongst those strategies.
One of the most helpful things you can do for your child’s long term emotional relationship with food is to support their nervous system regulation by consistently meeting their emotional needs. Emotionally underdeveloped children are more likely to become adults who use coping mechanisms such as food in attempts to regulate their nervous system and avoid
painful feelings.
Kids are always after authentic connection from us, to bring them emotional comfort and safety. Unfortunately, what can happen is a child may be ignored or reprimanded when they are experiencing emotions that trigger discomfort or anger in their parent.
Children need to feel safe and secure to express all emotions. Even the ones that make us feel uncomfortable or are difficult to handle as parents. If a child grows to believe that some emotions are not acceptable, they begin to repress them, fight against them, or dissociate from them.
However, those emotions still need to be heard, and if they aren’t communicated in healthy ways, they will find another way to manifest themselves through the mind and body.
If a child’s emotional needs are consistently unmet, their brain will find a way to compensate, so it will seek out behaviours that have proven to be pleasing and comforting. For many, food becomes the coping mechanism because it tells the brain ‘I am safe’. This is because it is experiencing something comforting in the moment, temporarily numbing the emotional turmoil that may be buried deep under the surface.
You can help your child to feel safe and secure with every emotion by comforting them through their ‘hard to love’ emotional times (because that’s when they need you the most).
If your child is angry and yelling and crying, remind yourself that there is no such thing as a negative emotion, and your child is not ‘bad’ for being angry. You can be firm with boundaries about their behaviour whilst being emotionally available to help them calm down.
For example; If your child is in the middle of a meltdown at the playground, screaming: ‘I don’t want to go home! Let me stay or I’ll scream!’ You might respond with: ‘I know you really like the playground. But it’s time for us to leave and we can come back again next week. I’m here to help you feel calm again when you’re ready. I can see how upset you feel. It must be tough.’
In this example, you are not being permissive in your parenting by holding firm to a boundary, but you are also validating their feelings and making sure they feel supported by you through it. They may not take you up on your offer of emotional support immediately, but for them to know they have you on their side will have a lasting impact on their emotional wellbeing.
If you find your child’s big feelings uncomfortable, you may be tempted to use food to help shift your child’s emotions, or as a replacement for your comfort and support. This just reinforces to them that food is a coping mechanism used to distract, suppress, or dissociate from their feelings, so try to avoid using food to change your child’s feelings.
In the example of the playground, the easiest option might be to give them a snack they enjoy while on the drive home to calm them down. Although this option offers a short–term solution, supporting your child’s long term food relationship will mean making yourself available as the emotional support for your child instead of the food. I know it may not feel easy to do, but a child who is consistently shown that they are loved and accepted no matter how they feel, can be an adult who has high emotional intelligence (EQ), which in turn positively impacts their food relationship, and so much more!
By providing emotional support early on, you can help prevent your child from relying on coping mechanisms like food to manage their emotions in the future.
Raising body confident kids, with positive food relationships, for life. www.redwoodwellbeing.com.au
Alyssa Said is a mother of two, a high school PDHPE teacher, and founder of Redwood Wellbeing as a certified body image and food relationship counsellor. Alyssa coaches women with poor body image and disordered eating patterns and equips parents to support their child’s body confidence and balanced approaches to eating.