LAURA’S PLACE
By Laura Kiln PgDip (CBT) (Child & Adolescence), BSc (Hons) CMHN
All couples have experienced this situation at one time or another—you think you should discipline your child a certain way, and your partner wants to handle it differently. You each become entrenched in your position. And what started as a problem between you and your child quickly evolves into a problem between you and your partner. You are no longer parenting as a team, and your child slinks off to the next room to continue doing whatever behaviour started the argument!
At some point, most couples will disagree and argue over how to discipline their children. After all, you and your partner are different people, who had different childhoods and different experiences of being disciplined, so will naturally approach parenting differently at times—maybe more often than you’d like. Disagreement between parents is to be expected, especially over raising your kids.
For example, let’s say you believe your child should be punished harshly for answering you back when you asked him to tidy his room, while your partner doesn’t think answering you back is such a big deal. Or perhaps you disagree on how to handle prolonged time on the iPad, or not getting their homework in on time. As a result, you both react differently and aren’t on the same page when it comes to consequences. This is made worse by allowing the children to know you disagree, it shows them a weak point in your parental armour!
Always remember it is part of children’s development, around the 3-4 year point to argue “NO” about anything, or “just another minute”, when you request for the fourth time that they turn of the television. They are finding out how far they can push the boundaries you are setting. It is annoying, frustrating and feels like they are just making your life hard on purpose, but it is teaching them what effect their behaviour has on you. That’s pretty powerful when you are 3 year old and it’s very normal behaviour!
Parents just need to stick to what they say and not be out negotiated by a 3 year old, and that’s hard as 3 year olds are very skilled at this and you can find yourself arguing about why it is ok to avoid her bath so she can re-watch Peppa Pig!
Here’s the truth: kids know when their parents aren’t unified in their decisions about discipline. This lack of unity creates anxiety for children because they are unsure of the rules, what matters and what doesn’t. Becoming anxious contributes to further behaviour issues. Anxiety quickly becomes a behavioural problem as children learn not to show anxiety and can display poor behaviour instead of allowing teachers or peers to see how anxious they feel.
Or, and this happens frequently, kids learn to get off the hook for a behaviour problem by playing one parent off the other. Kids figure out very quickly that when their parents are fighting with each other, the focus is no longer on them.
Kids also figure out that if they can get one parent to be an ally, then it’s now a two against one battle, and the child-parent team usually wins.
This is not the situation you want to be in with your partner or your child. It’s why unity with your spouse, even if you disagree, is important in addressing your child’s behaviour problems.
Unity is hard, but it is achievable. Following the guidelines below will help you ensure that parenting disagreements don’t destroy the unified front that your child needs to be accountable and to behave appropriately.
Parents need to back each other up
Make it a rule that if one parent disciplines a child, the other parent must back it up, even if the other parent disagrees with the punishment. You and your partner need to present yourselves as a unified team to your child, or it will undermine your authority as parents. Later, when things are calm, and you’re out of earshot of your child, you and your partner can discuss alternate ways of handling things.
If you are not unified in front of your child, your child will learn that he can get around any parenting decision by playing one parent off the other. Or by looking for help from one parent when the other tries to discipline.
And understand that every time you argue with your spouse over parenting, the focus shifts away from where it should be—your child’s behaviour. Therefore, keep the focus on your child whenever your child is present. And address disagreements with your partner in private.
Try to defer to the one who feels more strongly about an issue
If you and your partner disagree on an issue and you can’t seem to find a compromise, then try to defer to the parent who feels more strongly about it.
Let’s say, for example, that you’re okay with your 10 year old going to a sleepover at a good friend’s house. Nevertheless, your spouse is opposed. Your spouse isn’t comfortable allowing your child to have that kind of independence. Or maybe your spouse doesn’t trust the other family. But if you are still adamant about your position, you might say:
“I feel so strongly about this. I’d like you to support me on this, even if you don’t see it the same way.”
Or:
“Can I ask you to go along with me on this one, even if you don’t agree? I can’t say that this is the best decision, but my gut is telling me to give it a try. Can you support me on this?”
If your spouse is the one who seems most adamant, try to accommodate his or her position.
Remember, the goal isn’t to get things your way 100% of the time. The goal is to parent your child effectively and, at the same time, maintain a healthy relationship with your partner.
Empathize with your child, but don’t throw your spouse under the bus
If your spouse feels more strongly about something and you’ve decided to go along with their decision, you can say this to your child:
“I know it’s hard for you when we won’t let you go on a sleepover. I see it bothers you because you feel you are ready for this independence.”
You’re empathizing with your child’s feelings, but not breaking the unified stance. When you show empathy, your child also feels he’s understood and not so alone. Nevertheless, your child still must go along with the decision you’ve made with your spouse.
But don’t throw your partner under the bus. In other words, don’t disparage your spouse in any way. And tell your child that this is a joint decision even if behind closed doors, you and your spouse don’t completely agree.
When parents fight, kids are off the hook
Consider the following scenario:
When it’s time to do his homework, your son says he “hates maths” and complains about his teacher.
Your husband yells at him and says that he needs to bring up his maths grade.
Immediately, your child looks to you for help and, as if on cue, you jump in and say, “Leave him alone—he’s doing fine.”
Your husband replies, “If he was doing fine, he would have got a better grade.”
Now the fight is ramping up. You respond with, “You’re too strict – that’s why he’s like this. You’re too hard on him.”
Meanwhile, as the fight goes on, your child has his head buried in his phone and doesn’t do the homework he was supposed to do.
In the above scenario, the parents focus on each other rather than their child. And when this happens, the child isn’t held accountable for his behaviour, and the unacceptable behaviour continues.
And not only that, the fight between the parents raises the anxiety level in the house, which makes it more likely for your child to either act out or isolate himself.
Talk about parenting decisions when you are calm
Talk about parenting decisions when you are calm and can listen to one another’s perspective without being overly critical or attacking.
Calm makes it is easier for you to discuss things with respect. And respect helps you find common ground because respect makes it easier for you to understand each other.
If you are talking with your spouse and find that the conversation is getting more and more hostile, then take a time-out. Take a walk or go for a drive. When you come back later, set up a time to talk. You can say to your partner:
“Let’s each spend a few minutes talking about this. I’m just going to listen to you, and I’m not going to say a word. I’m not going to interrupt you. Just let me hear why this one is so important to you because you don’t usually hold onto things so strongly.”
And keep in mind that hostility isn’t just yelling and fighting. Hostility can include sarcasm, dismissive comments, put-downs, subtle threats, and other forms of damaging communication. Don’t let your conversations escalate to this level—be mindful when it is happening and take a time-out.
Understand your spouse’s family history
Perhaps it’s difficult for you to understand your spouse’s perspective on parenting because it’s so different from your own, and you end up feeling critical of his way of thinking.
I recommend that you get to know your spouse’s family history and how deeply those beliefs are rooted. It may help you to see things more objectively and less personally, and you will then be able to respond with less judgment. In the process, you will also better understand your own history and belief system.
Try to help each other to see that safety issues and cultural norms change over time. What might have worked back when your spouse was a kid might not make sense now. Or what worked in his family when he was growing up might be different than what will work in your family now.
Remember, this is your family, not your parents’ family. You and your spouse get to decide the rules in your family.
Listen to your spouse
It helps couples to give each other a few minutes to talk about why a certain issue is important. If you can each spend a few minutes just hearing the other person without reacting, then you give yourselves a chance to come to terms with each other. Just listen. And don’t interrupt. Try to understand your spouse’s point of view, and often, you’ll find common ground that you didn’t realize existed. You can say:
“What can we do to compromise?”
Or:
“I hear you. Now I understand why this is so important to you. I don’t feel as strongly, but I’ll support your decision.”
Most importantly, you will both know you’ve been heard. And as I mentioned earlier, if you do this when you are calm, it will be much easier to listen constructively.
When to get professional help
If you feel like you’ve tried everything and you’re still not able to get on the same page with your spouse, or you feel that a third party would be helpful in this situation, then come and see me or join our behavioural management workshops, I have been working in this field now for over 30 years, had 4 children myself and now 4 grandchildren. I think I have heard it all by now!
The bottom line is that we all have different ways of communicating and different belief systems—and that’s fine. No two people will to come together with the same opinions and values one-hundred percent of the time.
The important thing is to come together so that your child is not pulled into the middle of your differences.
Laura Kiln has moved to the Central Coast from the UK where she worked in London at the Institute of Psychiatry and the National Specialist Centre for Child and Adolescent Mental Health. She has over 20 years experience of working with families and is internationally recognised as an expert in the field of Parenting. She has four children herself and is used to the dramas of family life. Her practice ‘Laura’s Place’, is open for self or GP referral. Tel: (02) 4385 5587 www.laurasplace.com.au. Laura has appeared on Channel 9 TODAY show as a parenting expert.
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