By leanne brooke, psychologist at heart & mind collective
For most families, getting off to school in the morning is a flurry of activity. Grabbing lunches off kitchen benches, racing back to get that news item or sports shoes and there’s always one person who “just needs to finish this” before you can get out the door. Most kids go to school and stay there until pick up in the afternoon, enjoying learning, friendships and being part of school community. But what can you do if your young one isn’t so keen?
For young people with emotion–based school refusal, even the thought of walking through the gates of school can fill them with dread and provoke a severe anxiety reaction. These young people often behave beautifully at school and do not break the rules or truant. They may be highly sensitive or suffer from anxiety or maybe they are neurodiverse – but the fact remains that going to school makes them feel terrible and eventually they are going to try and avoid going at all.
As a parent, teacher and psychologist, I am in the “privileged” position to have experienced these difficulties from all three perspectives. I remember sitting in the car with one of my children, holding them as they sobbed and shook, not even able to take off their seatbelt. Getting them into school, stony faced and stoic as they tried to “be brave” only to get a phone call from sick bay an hour later, asking me to pick them up. Our story has a happy ending. She aged out of the school system, as your child will too, but as a psychologist and school counsellor who now works in this space, I wish I had known the following things when we were struggling.
Look for early warning signs: In hindsight, my child’s problems started well before high school. Despite being a high achieving student who held a leadership position in primary school, she struggled to find her “people”. She was popular and loved by everyone, but she felt lonely and disconnected. In the predictable primary school environment, she could always find a safe place or person to play with, but once she transitioned to high school this became more difficult. She had courage in spades, but nothing was a match for her social anxiety whose intrusive thoughts would cut her down before she had even got out of bed in the morning.
If you are concerned about your child’s anxiety or social functioning, see your GP or contact your child’s teacher and ask for some support from the Learning and Wellbeing Team at school. School counsellors are registered psychologists who are trained to identify early signs of mental health difficulties and although they may not be able to work one–on–one with your child in a counselling role long term, they can make referrals to helpful services and rule out any other difficulties such as learning or cognitive disabilities that may be having an impact on the child’s educational experience.
Validate concerns: It’s so easy to dismiss a young person’s worries about school, and take the opinion that they are just trying to “get out of class”. This may well be so, but we need to ask why. If the problem of not going to school has run away from you and you can’t get your child to even put on their school uniform, it’s not too late. Taking a non– judgemental, patient approach to school refusal and validating children’s feelings, will often help them to open up about their worries. Don’t be tempted to avoid school phone calls and text messages about frequent absences – ring the school and let them know that your young person is struggling to attend. Although schools are legally bound to follow up non–attendance, most staff have enormous compassion for families who are trying hard to give their school–resistant children an education and will be happy to help. They may recommend the Home School Liaison Officer, or a partial enrolment, these are strategic resources to support and help. Always ask for help from the welfare department. Schools have counsellors/psychologists, student support officers, year advisors and head teachers of wellbeing who can be your team at school.
Seek external support for your child and yourself: You are your child’s advocate and main support. If you are struggling, seek psychological assistance so that you also feel supported and have someone to talk to who does not necessarily have a vested interest in your child’s school attendance. It’s so easy to blame yourself for your child’s problems but blame leads to shame, and neither are particularly helpful when you are trying to solve a big problem like school avoidance.
There are so many pathways for education in this day and age, but just as it is always been, it takes a village to raise a child. It also takes a community to support parents whose children can’t go to school. Please reach out and don’t feel you have to tackle this alone.
Leanne Brooke is a mum to four grown up children. She is a registered teacher and psychologist who works as an Advanced School Counsellor during the week at local public schools, and as a psychologist for Heart and Mind Collective on Saturdays. Leanne is a 2025 recipient of the Anika Foundation Premiers Teacher Scholarship and has a special interest in school refusal, neurodiversity and anxiety related difficulties.