By Nikki Smith
If you are a parent or if you have ever interacted with children between the ages of 18 months and 3 years, then you most likely have witnessed many of the milestone behaviour within autonomy versus shame and doubt stage from Erik Erikson’s stage of psychosocial development.
Matters such as wanting to dress themselves, feed themselves with their fingers, or you may have even struggled to hold them whilst they scream into your chest that they can’t and won’t find their drink bottle (even though you know that they haven’t started looking and it’s on the kitchen bench).
It’s at this point in development that young children will begin to express a greater need for independence and control over themselves as well as the world around them.
As parents, your ultimate goal is to raise children to thrive, not just survive. You want them to enjoy meaningful relationships with themselves as well as others. You want them to feel good about who they are.
Let’s be honest, toddlers are impulsive, they’re rigid and they’re learning!
Using empathy and understanding, by putting yourselves in their shoes, treating them as you would want to be treated – I believe, these are the first steps in creating a more harmonious relationship.
According to Erikson, children at this stage are focused on developing a greater sense of self control.
Your toddler at this age is gradually wanting and yearning for an increase in their independence, they want greater control over what they are doing and how they are going to do it. Toddlers that are in the thick of this developmental stage will often feel the need to do everything independently!
Things such as picking out their own clothes, deciding what they will and won’t eat, toys and games that they want to play. This can create so much frustration for many parents just like you. And understandably so, you want your toddler to look super cute but instead they look like a red hot mess! The simple fact is, this is not only an important milestone in development for your little one, but an essential one. Your toddler is developing their personality even further, they are creating their own unique sense of style all whilst creating personal autonomy.
As parents, it is important to know that it is OK to let go and allow your little one to develop their own sense of ‘style’ or to eat with their fingers! After all it is part of the fun of being little enough to ‘get away with it!’
Below are six ways to gentle discipline and reconnection whilst being in the thick of this fascinating but also at times, frustrating developmental stage!
Choose your battles
For us as parents it could be something as simple as choosing an outfit for the day, but if they decide to change it up and wear mismatched clothing then they are establishing their own personal autonomy and we are simply there to help them express their creativity!
Of course, there are non negotiables such as wearing their seatbelt but it’s ok if they want to help click the seatbelt in, again you’re dodging a bullet aka a meltdown but they’re strengthening their sense of autonomy. It’s win win.
Give two options but it has the same outcome
This is one of the simplest and easiest tips for parenting throughout difficult toddler behaviour. In giving your toddler two options with the same outcome it will help make your toddler feel more in control. Meanwhile, you are also getting them to agree to what you would like done. For example, “would you like some help to put on your shoes or mama can put them on?” or “This outfit or this one?” you could even use this for dinner time, try presenting the same dinner but in two different ways.
Same result for you but it looks different to your little one.
Try to give warnings and use a timer
How would you feel if you were mid conversation with a girlfriend and your partner suddenly started to usher you away or worse picked you up and carried you out the door all whilst saying “we are leaving now” I think it’s safe to say that the conversation that would ensue would be more like a huge argument and I don’t think you would feel respected. Your toddler feels the same way when you drag them out of a park without fore warning. I will tend to say something like, “ok honey one more swing then no more,” whilst holding up one finger, that way your toddler is also getting a visual of what you would like. A timer on your phone works well for your older toddler too, explain to your toddler that you are setting the timer for 5 more minutes and when it rings it will be time to go.
Consequences for their actions
As parents, we can quickly react instead of respond. An example of reacting rather then responding is you as their parent snatching the texta away because they were drawing on the coffee table and then giving them an automatic punishment in the form of a ‘time out.’
What is punishment teaching your toddler? ‘My parents are always yelling and punishing me. Why should I do what they want?’
Whereas consequences such as you getting down to their level and saying calmly, “Honey I have asked you not to draw on the table and only on paper, if you do it again I’ll have to take all of the textas away?” If your toddler draws on the coffee table again, get down on their level and repeat “Ok, I just told you not to draw on the coffee table, I’m going to have to take all of the textas away.” Your toddler learns from consequences that “I make mistakes, but my parents always understand,” “My parents mean what they say.”
Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand your own feelings as well as the feelings of others. We can teach our children to develop their emotional intelligence by helping them to name their feelings, “you look upset?” We can also help them to talk more openly about how they are feeling, “and how did that make you feel?”
We are teaching them a little more control for themselves over their BIG feelings.
When we as adults feel heard and understood and our partner can paraphrase our feelings back to us such as “oh honey, it sounds like you’ve had a rough day, having sick kids is exhausting,” this alone is a valuable tool for connection within your relationship. This same sort of reconnection can also happen for your child and parent relationship too, especially whilst they are acting out.
Hug it out
We always hug it out!! As frustrating as it is mid meltdown, and it could very well be the last thing you feel like doing, majority of the time a simple hug can soften both of your resolve and make for a very easy but beautiful first step in reconnection with your little one.
You see, your toddler may not want you to ‘fix’ their problem after all. The ‘problem’ might not even need fixing. Maybe all your child needs is a sounding board – someone to talk to and someone to listen to them with their whole heart.
Be their someone. Be that person for your child. Because even the ‘little’ things in life can become the ‘bigger’ things.
With love, safety, security and connection in these foundation years you can lay down the importance of emotional and communicative groundwork to help your child grow soundly.
Nikki Smith, is the founder of The Earthway Approach and mother to 3 beautiful, sensitive, and boisterous little women. Nikki has been a Registered Nurse for the past 12 years with a 4 year hiatus in between so that she could focus on being a mum. Nikki also has a Postgraduate in Maternal Child and Family Nursing and is currently studying counseling. Nikki has been working and supporting families on the Gold Coast, Northern Rivers and now Central Coast of NSW Australia over the past 5 years. Nikki is also the author of her newly published book ‘Honest Motherhood – Words of comfort and musings into motherhood.’ Nikki’s expertise is in early infancy and toddler behaviour, she is passionate about maternal and infant mental health and well being as well as providing holistic responsive parenting support with a whole family approach. You can find further support, and information on any of Nikki’s current offerings such as 1:1 consultations or upcoming workshops from her socials and website below.
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WEBSITE https://www.earthwayparenting.com.au/