By Alita Blanchard, Parent Coach
“Roughhousing is play that flows with spontaneity, improvisation, and joy. It is free from worries about how we look or how much time is passing. It is physical, and it promotes physical fitness, release of tension, and wellbeing.”
Anthony DeBenedet, Lawrence Cohen – The Art Of Roughhousing
Roughhousing, otherwise known as rough and tumble play, playfighting or my personal favourite “rumbling” – is a wonderful way for children to release stress and tension, build social skills, learn consent, build connections and have fun.
Roughhousing can also build strength, improve movement and social skills.
Roughhousing is different to real fighting. The children are having fun, they are smiling and laughing. As soon as they aren’t having fun, boundaries need to be set. This is where sometimes it can go that step too far, too quickly.
Roughhousing might include: chasing, tumbling, pillowfighting, jumping on the bed, wrestling, piggyback rides, playing tag/tip, chase and catch games, airplane rides, push me over games, it often includes body contact between kids or the adults they’re playing with.
Good roughhousing needs you to tune in and be aware of everyone’s needs
Why do you get scared when children roughhouse?
Many parents find roughhousing frustrating and sometimes terrifying. You may be afraid that your children will be hurt especially if there are a mix of younger and older children. There may be a child that always takes it too far.
You may have other fears that are rearing their head. If you have been hurt yourself as a young child, this pain and fear can be triggered when you see your children play fighting. And there are very real fears about things being broken – windows, arms, teeth etc. While all these fears are valid, we cannot protect our children from every possible harm. They need to roughhouse and experience the benefits. Sometimes we need to surrender to the reality that hurts may happen, tears may arrive and that, over time, the children will better learn the limits and learn to stop when it goes too far.
LET THEM PLAY – Don’t stop them out of fear unless it’s clearly getting dangerous and dysregulated.
The benefits of RoughHousing include:
- Burns energy – great before bedtime
- Release of healthy aggression – let them roar and scream and be grizzly bears
- Builds connection between parent and child
- Teaches boundaries over time – Teach them to say STOP. This takes a LOT of practice
- Laughter releases stress and reduces anxiety
- Laughter builds oxytocin – improves bonding and connection
- Physical movement helps move big feelings in the body
- Physical movement is essential for brain development
- Builds self esteem and children experience their strength
- Helps kids learn to take risks
- Boosts resilience
- Builds confidence
- Moves feelings of powerlessness
- Helps them learn how to speak up and learn consent.
The benefits of healthy physical touch
All kids need and crave healthy touch. Physical touch is critical to all children, including teens. The positive impact of physical touch helps children to feel nurtured, decreases their stress hormones and boosts their immune system. Roughhousing and rumbling is a wonderful way to increase the amount of physical touch children receive.
Social skills can improve through play
The pandemic has impacted some children’s’ social skills. They need close contact play and interactions that improve their ability to understand social cues. Roughhousing can help children learn non–verbal communication, the movements of bodies (leaning in, pulling away, glances, facial expressions) are key communication.
Its important to teach children consent and remember – this takes a LOT of practice. You may have to repeat yourself many times. Teach them to check in with each other – “Are you having fun?” “Are you okay?” “Do you want to keep playing or take a break?”
How to set the boundaries
- Stay close when they are rumbling
- Regulate your own nervous system
- Stop play as needed and set new ground rules
- Call “Freeze” and teach them all to stop – then if all are ok and happy to keep playing, call “Go”
- Stop regularly to check in on everyone – ask: Is everyone enjoying this? Are you all feeling safe?
- Work as a team to keep it safe
- Don’t’ let it get out of hand
- YOU are the adult – you need to stay close and step in when needed. But also forgive yourself when you miss incidents.
Good rules include:
- Limit arm and hand actions (grabbing, pushing, squeezing and hugging) to between the shoulders and hips of the other person
- NOT OK – It’s never ok to grab the face or neck, or to kick someone.
Hurts and tears will happen – that’s ok
Sometimes the rumbling will go too far and the play becomes a fight. The minute the child’s underdeveloped nervous system is triggered and dysregulation happens, a child’s brain will go into fight or flight. They no longer remember the rules.
Get everyone to take some space, regulate, cool off, drink some cold icy water. Sometimes you will need to step in between children and set a body boundary.
Sometimes there will be hurts. Often there will be tears. Try not to blame or shame anyone. Hurts help everyone to understand their limits. Tears are a healthy emotional release. Just hold the hurt child, get some ice if needed and listen to their tears. Accept that sometimes kids will get hurt and this can be a healthy way for their body to learn boundaries.
“When we roughhouse with our kids, we model for them how someone bigger and stronger holds back. We teach them self–control, fairness, and empathy. We let them win, which gives them confidence and demonstrates that winning isn’t everything. We show them how much can be accomplished by cooperation and how to constructively channel competitive energy so that it doesn’t take over.”
– The Art of Roughhousing: Good old–fashioned horseplay and why every kid needs it.
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Alita Blanchard, The Aware Mama – Based on the NSW Central Coast, Alita is a mother of 4 boys and is a Conscious Parent Coach, Rites of Passage and Women’s Circle facilitator. She provides regular mothers circles, workshops, events, listening time and parent coaching programs. Instagram: @alitablanchard_parentcoach Email: alitablanchard@gmail.com Web: www.theawaremama.com.au