by Catherine Schasser
It’s another day at the preschool and sounds of children’s chatter and giggles resound. Families arrive and I watch as mothers negotiate the entry ramp, arms laden with lunchboxes, backpacks slung across shoulders and free fingers guiding their children forward. ‘Keep walking’ is often heard as the youngsters become distracted by leaves, beetles or a noise in the distance. Once at the entry gate and greeted by waiting staff, an often unconscious exhale parts the mothers lips.
And that’s only 5 minutes of their day. Physically, mentally and emotionally the mother is ‘on’, responsible and reliable.
The tasks and to-do lists continue to increase and that well-intentioned quiet cup of tea wains further from her vision. The busy-ness, monotony, and responsibilities of this vital role of mother continues day after day after day.
For some mothers, these to-do lists are a welcome (or unaware) distraction from her true emotions. Feelings? What mother’s got time to think about herself when there’s so much to do and people to care for? ‘I’m fine. I love being a mum’ is often the response.
For others however, the repetitive and seemingly unacknowledged role defined by motherhood is quietly chipping away at her sense of self as a woman. At her joy, enthusiasm and energy. But we don’t talk about that, do we?
Don’t get me wrong. I know you wouldn’t trade being a mum for anything in the world – not money, prestige or even time. You’re satisfied in your role and you know it’s necessary. You also understand it won’t be forever, so while your children are at this stage in their lives, you’re committed to being there for them. I acknowledge and commend you.
Here’s my question though. What could your life look like if you added a new paragraph to this chapter? This query is inspired by the Sheri Riley quote ‘Stop spending 100% of your time on 10% of who you are’. This theory applies to MANY situations, particularly motherhood. Being gifted a child is all encompassing, and rightly so (these little bundles need us), but we should not be denying that the mother was first a unique and independent woman. The process of becoming a mother is the birthing of not only a child, but of the new identity. It’s impossible to return to the pre-child woman, but can parts of her still exist? Yes, but this needs attention. This significant life change of becoming a parent comes forth with an intenseness of emotion – fear, love, hurt, joy and more. The days of wonder, discovery, overwhelm and creating, roll into each other and before you know it, years have passed and so too has the mother’s ‘other’ identities. 100% of the woman is focused on the role of mother. Please don’t feel I’m suggesting children are only deserving of 10% of a mother’s life or focus. Absolutely not. What I’m merely offering is a wish, a gentle urging, for mothers to remember there’s other parts of themselves requiring nurturing, just as their children do. What I see too often is the nurturer becomes the unnurtured.
Back to my question. What could your life look like if you added a new paragraph to this chapter? I’m not suggesting you model Elizabeth Gilbert from Eat Pray Love fame and jet off overseas (pandemic or no pandemic). I’m a promoter of easy-to-implement and simple-to-use happiness hacks because my mission is to support mothers to reclaim their personal empowerment, so let’s try and find a more appropriate and family-friendly answer.
Try this. Think of beliefs you have about who you are or what you’re responsible for and write it as a sentence. Next, think of an area, behaviour, goal or want. Add the word ‘AND’ after each statement then write the additional goal. Let me give you examples.
I am committed to my children AND take time for me
I work out of the home AND meet my family’s needs
I am a good person AND set clear boundaries for myself
I am overwhelmed AND I know I’ll find a better way
I feel hopeless AND I trust I’ll be ok
I’m devastated AND I still can give and receive love
I love being free AND see the value in systems here and there
Somewhere through the years of time, societal assumptions have been created which, quite frankly, are limiting. And too many women have bought into them. I want to see, hear and feel women around the globe challenging the ‘norm’ and the ‘way it is’ by re-writing their stories:
I am a mother AND I can dream
I am a mother AND I embrace time for my passions
I am a mother AND I matter
What new sentence would you love mothers add to their stories that will empower them and in doing so, create a better future for all?
Feel welcome to email me with your thoughts.
Catherine is the co-founder of Developing Dreams, a local company ‘empowering children one adult at a time’. This vision is achieved through the educational curriculum at Developing Dreams Early Learning Centre named 2019 Best Small, Private, Regional Centre in NSW, and through coaching programs written and facilitated by Catherine. Email catherine@developingdreams.com.au for further information or to find out how you can be EMPOWERED in your life.