By Bree Sutherland – Life Coach, Matrescence Facilitator and Yoga Teacher
At some point in motherhood, many women find themselves wondering: Why don’t I feel like myself anymore? and Who am I now, beyond being a mother? Motherhood doesn’t just change your daily routine – it quietly reshapes your entire sense of self. For many women, that shift can feel unexpectedly unsettling.
Many move through this season feeling slightly off, disconnected or unsure of themselves, often without the language or understanding to make sense of what they’re experiencing. They can find themselves caught in cycles of self–doubt and internal judgement.
Motherhood can hold many conflicting emotions at once. Deep love and devotion for your child can sit alongside guilt, frustration, exhaustion, or a quiet longing for parts of your old life.
You might feel grateful and overwhelmed in the same breath. You might find yourself thinking:
- Why does this feel harder than I expected?
- Why don’t I feel like myself anymore?
- Is something wrong with me?
When I was asking these questions myself, I assumed it meant I simply wasn’t coping well enough. I also believed I was the only one feeling this way – because it simply wasn’t spoken about. What I later discovered is that these feelings often point to something much deeper – something very few of us are taught about.
It’s called matrescence.
Understanding it can be profoundly relieving. It helps women realise that nothing is “wrong” with them and brings validation and self–compassion to an experience that is so often quietly questioned.
The transition no one names
Matrescence is the developmental process of becoming a mother. The term was first coined in the 1970s, yet decades later it remains largely absent from mainstream conversation. Psychologist Dr Aurelie Athan, who expanded the concept, explains that we focus so much on the baby arriving that we often forget a mother is being born too.
She likens matrescence to adolescence – not simply a period of hormonal change, but a broader developmental transition that reshapes identity, relationships and the way we move through the world. Motherhood touches nearly every part of a woman’s life: her body, emotions, relationships, career, priorities and sense of self.
Unlike adolescence, which unfolds with cultural recognition and community support, matrescence often happens quietly and without guidance. It is gradual and ongoing. It does not resolve neatly at the end of maternity leave and can re–emerge with each child or at different stages of motherhood.
Without language for it, many women assume the discomfort means they are doing something wrong. However, it isn’t a personal failure, it’s a major life transition. One of the most profound ways this transition shows up is through the shift in a woman’s sense of identity.
The identity shift beneath the surface
When we become mothers, we don’t just gain a new role – our identity begins to shift. Our values change and our priorities reorder themselves. What once felt important may no longer matter in the same way. At the same time, there is still the woman beneath the role – the one with her own needs, interests, desires and personality.
The tension between those two realities can feel deeply confusing and frustrating. Many women find themselves trying to “get back” to who they were before children, waiting for the moment they will return to their old energy, routines or sense of direction.
However, motherhood is not simply a temporary phase – it reshapes you. Trying to force yourself back into a previous version of yourself can feel exhausting and disheartening because the old version often no longer fits. Matrescence is not about going back; it is about becoming. With the right support, it can also become a powerful opportunity for personal evolution.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” – Anaïs Nin
For many mothers, this quiet process of becoming can feel both unfamiliar and disorienting. In conversations with mothers, the same themes appear again and again, often shared hesitantly for fear of being judged:
- “I feel lost.”
- “I feel disconnected.”
- “I love my child deeply… but I miss parts of myself.”
- “I feel guilty for wanting space.”
- “I should be coping better.”
Some mothers feel overstimulated and reactive. Others feel flat or emotionally numb. Many carry a quiet sense of dissatisfaction they struggle to explain.
Because these feelings don’t align with the cultural image of the endlessly grateful mother, they are often pushed aside. For many mothers, the hardest part of this transition is feeling unable to speak openly about how profoundly motherhood has changed them.
Part of what makes this transition so difficult is the set of expectations many of us carry about what motherhood should look like. These experiences are often shaped by expectations we absorb from culture, family and social media.
They can sound like:
- “I should be loving every moment.”
- “If I were more capable, I’d be coping better.”
- “A good mother is always calm and selfless.”
These expectations can create comparison, self–criticism and enormous pressure, making a normal developmental transition feel like a personal failure.
The power of understanding matrescence
When these expectations go unnamed, many women turn their confusion inward. This is why understanding matrescence can be so powerful. When women finally hear about it, something often shifts. There is relief – a sense of “Oh, that’s why.”
The internal narrative begins to move from something is wrong with me to this makes sense. For many women, that understanding becomes the first step in relating to themselves with more compassion as they move through this transition.
Having the language for what is happening – and recognising the expectations that shape how we think about motherhood – can be deeply powerful. Realising that these experiences are common, yet rarely spoken about, is profoundly validating.
However, awareness alone rarely changes things overnight. These beliefs are often shaped over many years. Shifting them takes time, reflection and, for many women, the space and support to gently untangle them.
Understanding matrescence doesn’t make the challenges of motherhood disappear. However, it can fundamentally change how women see themselves within it – and that shift can be deeply grounding for mothers navigating this season.
Bree Sutherland is a Life Coach, Matrescence Facilitator, Yoga Teacher and mother based on the Central Coast. Through her workshops and coaching, she supports mothers to navigate the identity and emotional shifts of motherhood, reconnect with themselves, and move through this season with greater clarity, grounding, self–trust and fulfilment.